8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
