why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
