I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
