i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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