found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
My dick has a subreddit
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
