Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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