I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Randomize
