Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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