he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
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I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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