Jerry, you need to find god
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
