New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
