glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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