I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
