there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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