I think my fart just growled at me.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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