you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
