I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
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I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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