We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
