you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
