you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
