No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
