Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
