I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
