I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
