whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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