WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
