My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
