apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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