if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
When are your genitals available?
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