I'm laying in your front yard are you home
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
