I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
