wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
