A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just pee around me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
