She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
