I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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