I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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