Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
