haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
