my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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