"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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