Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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