Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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