hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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