I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
