Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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