And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
