Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
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My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
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Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize