I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
