I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
