Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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