im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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