Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
