Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
