just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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