i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
