And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
