after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
