We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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