somebody snuck up and got me drunk
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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