How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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