Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
