I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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