If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
