i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
